Why we should debunk the term “Terrible Twos”
By Fernanda Arredondo
My son's second birthday is around the corner, and there is a term that I have been told multiple times referring to his age… the infamous ¨terrible twos¨. I have never liked this derogative term, I worked for many years with toddlers, and ¨terrible¨ does not describe the magic of being around those fantastic tiny humans, not even close. Toddlers go through many physical and emotional changes; their language explosion usually coincides with this stage of their life, and their development of will and ego is at its peak.
There is no surprise this time is such an important and exciting one for them! So why do many adults find the transition from babyhood to childhood overwhelming and even undesirable? Perhaps, if we understand the abilities and developmental needs of the toddler in front of us, we will have realistic expectations and support our child better, from a place of love, respect, and even joy.
T IS FOR TRANSITION, NOT FOR TERRIBLE
Dr. Maria Montessori observed children worldwide go through four different crises during the first three years of life. While a crisis might sound like a negative event, in Montessori, we see each one of them as a natural transition point.
Birth Crisis: When babies are born, the umbilical cord is cut.
Weaning Crisis: When infants start eating and digesting food other than milk or formula (around six months)
Objectivation Crisis: When the child understands he can act on an object and has influence in the world (around 8-9 months)
Self-Affirmation Crisis: When the child realizes and accepts that he is a separate entity from the mother (around 18 months).
Young children have a deep need for exploration. Do we understand and accept it? Do we allow those possibilities?
People who use the term ¨terrible twos¨ to describe a young child might be witnessing a toddler transitioning to the Self-Affirmation Crisis. Which is not terrible; in fact, it is a terrific moment in their development.
“With appropriate human mediation, everything is possible. Crisis periods are favorable for change, not only in children but in all who participate in them.” – Understanding the Human Being, Silvana Montanaro.
WHAT DOES SELF-AFFIRMATION CRISIS MEAN?
It begins around the 18 months mark when a toddler uses the word ¨no¨. The child is no longer conforming by observing. Now, he wants to be an active part of the process and understands he is a separate person from his parents. He wants to be independent and respected when he expresses his desires. And at the same time, he wants to remain in the safe and nurturing circle that being near his parents offers.
This transition is characterized by the constant use of the word ¨no¨ and ¨mine¨. This is the first-time toddlers can verbalize their own identity. It is a healthy expression of their development of will and desire for self-affirmation. If they do not find opportunities to do it, they will show their disagreement through big and strong emotions, commonly known as ¨tantrums¨.
Tantrums are a normal part of life with toddlers. They have a high sense of order that helps them predict what will happen next and gives them a sense of control. They can easily get dysregulated if there is a change in their routine, schedule, or even in the way their parents react to daily situations. That is why tantrums often occur when toddlers feel overwhelmed, like grocery stores, parties, family reunions, and checkout lines. Tiredness and hunger are often reasons too.
Our attitude plays an important role. We won't be able to magically stop the tantrum or dictate how our toddler feels. The only thing we can control is the way we react to it. They need a calm and confident adult by their side that acknowledges their feelings and guides them through the situation
The end of this crisis is marked by the functional use of the pronoun ¨I¨, usually around the three-year mark.
¨A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a child¨ Lori L. Desautels, Ph.D. Connections Over Compliance, Rewiring our Perceptions of Discipline.
NINE WAYS TO HELP TODDLERS THROUGH THIS TRANSITION
1. Slow down and observe
Many times, we tend to react instead of intentionally responding. Try slowing down before intervening when your toddler is dysregulated. Analyze what might be the reason and center yourself before stepping in. Sometimes simple things like offering a different plate for a snack can break their sense of order and trigger big emotions. Taking the time to observe will help you understand this and provide clear explanations and solutions. For instance, ¨I noticed you want the red plate. It is not available because it is dirty, we can wash it later for dinner¨ instead of ¨You already have a plate, don't cry and eat your snack¨
Toddlers want to be an active part of daily tasks; they want to collaborate, not only observe.
2. Offer choices
Toddlers need plenty of opportunities to exercise their will. Offer choices whenever possible. Make sure they are simple and familiar. Two is a great number for them to choose from. For instance: ¨Would you like to wear boots or tennis shoes? ¨, ¨Would you like to put on your pants or shirt first?¨, ¨Would you like a banana or grapes?¨. Avoid offering choices that aren't a real choice, so you can honor his decision once he chooses something.
3. Acknowledge feelings
When a toddler cries or expresses disagreement, there is always a reason behind it. Avoid dismissing how they feel with expressions like ¨Don't cry, you are fine¨, or ¨Big boys don't cry¨. Instead, acknowledge and validate his feelings. While not all behaviors might be acceptable, all emotions are welcome. For instance: ¨You are frustrated because you want to stay in the park longer, we can come back tomorrow¨, ¨I see you are crying because you want more crackers, we can add some to your plate tonight¨, ¨I think you are tired, and that is why you are crying, let's go back home so you can nap¨.
4. Foster a daily routine
Toddlers thrive in routines. It allows them to know what will happen next and feel safe. Give your toddler a heads up before transitions: ¨Two more runs around the playground, and then we will go back home¨. For special events, try to involve him in the preparation. For instance, let him help pack his clothes before a trip.
5. Avoid lying
Be sincere when explaining situations and consequences to your toddler. Avoid unrealistic and confusing stories that will dysregulate him even more when realizing it is a lie. For instance, if he cries because he wants to stay in the park, but it is time to go home, avoid stories like ¨Let's go because we will go to the store and buy you a toy¨. Honor your child's intelligence and always tell the truth. All toddlers eventually realize they have been lied to.
6. Have clear and consistent boundaries
Set clear and simple limits for your child. Make sure all caregivers involved in the daily routine provide consistency in it and avoid having too many rules; because you will end up spending more time reinforcing them than enjoying with your child.
7. Be the calm in the storm
A dysregulated toddler can be exhausting and confusing. Try to keep calm even if you don't understand what triggered his behavior. Toddlers will absorb your energy, too, and if you aim to be calm and controlled, that might help him calm down too while both navigate the situation respectfully.
8. Offer a ¨yes¨ space to explore
It can be discouraging being told ¨no¨ and ¨don't¨ constantly, especially for a toddler with a natural need to explore and experiment in the environment. Think about his curiosity and abilities when preparing his space. Make it as safe as possible to explore without any adult intervention. Having this freedom will foster more ¨yes¨ than ¨no¨ and fewer instances where he feels frustrated.
9. Stay away from derogative labels for toddler behavior
Avoid using derogative adjectives like naughty, bad-behaved, or disobedient when talking about your child, especially if he is present. Most toddlers will forget what they did after a few minutes, but they will form their self-image based on how you describe them. Keep in mind that their brain is not fully developed, and self-control is not mastered at this age.
Next time you hear or read about the ¨terrible twos¨, remember all that is happening in your toddler's brain, what this transition means to them, and the significant changes they experiment. This age is terrific, not terrible. It is the formation of the adult they will be.
Fernanda Arredondo
Fernanda is a first-time mom and devoted Montessorian. Fernanda holds a degree as a Speech-Language Pathologist, received her certification for children 3-6 through the Association Montessori Internal (AMI) in Italy, and received her AMI 0-3 Diploma from MINT.
